Feminist Advice Friday: Is Feminist attachment parenting possible?
A reader asks…
I’m pregnant with my first child, and have done a lot of work and a lot of thinking about how to make things more equal between my husband and me. I’ve basically forced him to have weekly conversations about this, and I do believe we’re heading in the right direction.
Except that I hope to breastfeed, and plan to do other attachment-based practices like always responding to cries, prioritizing the baby’s needs, not sleep training, room-sharing, etc. I can’t help but wonder if I’m setting myself up for the sort of parenting that my husband will one day dismiss as unnecessary, and if it’s possible to breastfeed and do all of this other stuff and still have equality?
I have seen several posts where you’ve mentioned attachment parenting and breastfeeding, so I got the impression this is what you’re doing. Do you have any words of wisdom?
My Answer:
I love attachment parenting. I hate how it has been weaponized against women.
On one side of the equation, you have the extreme attachment parenting advocates, who insist that mothers must do EVERYTHING. For them, attachment parenting is really a cudgel to wield against mothers, to keep them in the home, to prevent them from pursuing anything outside of motherhood. And God forbid they ever question the role of the man.
That, friend, is bullshit. Take it from this fairly selfish and ambitious mother who also exclusively breastfed, weaned at a very late age, and did all the other attachment stuff: it’s not easy, but you can practice attachment parenting and have a life.
Then on the other side of things, you have people deriding mothers who practice attachment parenting. We’re silly and trivial and doing something that doesn’t matter, and probably unserious at work, too. It’s just the same old notion that mothers are incompetent masquerading as a particularly aggressive brand of feminism.
That is also bullshit. There are legitimate feminist and personal reasons to practice attachment parenting.
It is normal and expected for caregivers to form strong attachment bonds with their children. It is normal to respond to their cries.
I want to be clear: There are lots of ways to be a good parent, and if you choose a different way, that is fine and great and lovely! You’ll get no judgment here. I will say, though, that I think people often are forced to choose a different way because exhaustion, the push to return to work, and unhelpful spouses push them in that direction. That part is really enraging—how demands that don’t really matter (or that shouldn’t really matter) force us to ignore our instincts.
But again: Just a reminder that there are lots of good ways to be a parent. If attachment parenting isn’t for you, then it’s not for you, and there’s no need to read any further.
On to your question:
Attachment parenting can absolutely be feminist. Indeed, because it is a particularly demanding style of parenting that requires significant thought and planning, I think it is highly amenable to equitable parenting. Because if you’re already thinking a lot about your parenting choices, it makes sense that you would talk a lot about them—and that you would then devise ways to divvy up parenting roles.
The fundamental error most people make is that they think it is the mother, and only the mother, to whom the baby should be attached.
My infant lights up when my husband walks into the room, and often prefers him over me. He is just as capable of soothing her as me. And critically, he does nighttime parenting just as frequently and competently as me. This is a great bargain for all of us. It means our child has two people she can trust. It means if I ever get sick, she still gets a quality caregiver. And it means that I’m only doing half of the work, so I’m happier, healthier, more fulfilled, all without sacrificing my baby’s needs.
So how does one do feminist attachment parenting?
It starts with recognizing one biological reality: you are the only one who can breastfeed your baby (in most circumstances, anyway). So you’ll need to figure out a way to make that more equitable. Since you’re a first-time mom, you need to know that breastfeeding is more intense than you probably imagine. You will spend almost all of your time during the first few weeks nursing. Forget about 8-12 times a day. You’re looking at more like 8-12 hours. But it’s a worthy investment because this initial commitment gets your supply going.
Please know that it gets easier, and that if you want help, a lactation consultant can be amazing.
Anyway, you need to find ways to make breastfeeding fairer, especially since you’re also going to be coping with recovering from birth. This means that your partner needs to be doing something baby or family-related when you are nursing. And that likely means he’s going to need to take over all other household chores, including:
all cleaning
preparing nourishing food for you
cleaning up after the baby
getting breastfeeding supplies ready (sterilizing the pump, washing bottles, etc)
offering reassurance (never undermining your choices)
managing visitors
scheduling pediatrician appointments, lactation consultant appointments, and generally helping to connect you with the services you need
bringing the baby to you (this is doubly important if you have birth injuries and don’t need to be lifting and bending)
talking to you. This, to me, is one of the most important roles. The early days of motherhood can be so isolating. You need and deserve to process your birth experience. And if your partner has done everything else, and/or you need him, having him sit with you through those early nursing sessions is one of the most meaningful things you two may ever do together.
I also strongly encourage you to pump milk so that your baby will take a bottle and your partner can feed them. This is so important because it may be the only way you will be able to be away from your baby. And time away from your baby can be very important for your well-being.
Beyond this, there is no reason you cannot split all other parenting duties. And if you start getting resistance from him about doing so, you need to call it like you see it. The pattern often goes like this: dad doesn’t do something, so he becomes less good at it, so the baby eventually becomes more rejecting of him, so then dad can make an argument for why he shouldn’t do it.
Don’t let this happen. You’re about to put your body on the line to call forth life into the world.
He should be in awe of this sacrifice, willing to do whatever is necessary to support you, and eager to participate equally in the life he helped to make.
You do not owe him praise or support for doing the bare minimum. The person who has just given birth is the one in need of support. Don’t let those roles get reverse early on, or they will stay that way forever.
To ask a question, email zawn.villines@gmail.com, or contact me anonymously via the contact button on this page. To get Feminist Advice Friday delivered to your inbox, and to see lots of other great content, subscribe to my Substack.